Let's talk about the show I want to have on CiTR. I'd like to have a show for nerds like myself. I could even polish it up a bit and call it a show for social nonconformists. Either way it means the same thing. I hate the way people act, I hate social obligations and acting fake in order to impress people, I hate saying things in order to not upset people, I hate pretending I'm cool, I hate gossip and cliques and social circles. I can not, and will never fit in.

I haven't updated for like, ten billion years because I've been busy at school and work for eight months. Today was my last day of regular classes. All I have now are exams and essays and shite. I guess I felt like writing because I'm depressed. I'm pretty sure I'm manic depressive. So here I am, inside one of my depressive bouts.

But we were talking about CiTR initially, weren't we? I was on this girl Katie's show yesterday, which I was absolutely excited to bits about doing. I met several people who work at the station, and everyone was so friendly. I honestly expected a bunch of snotty indie rock kids, because of the vibes the paper and Zulu Records and Scratch Records gave me, but I spoke to nearly everyone I met about getting a show next year, and everyone was really encouraging about it. So we went on. I wanted to be a radio deejay in my younger years when Lindsay and I used to do the morning announcements, but decided against it in high school when I thought about the fact that I'd probably have to move to a small town, and be fake happy all the time, and deal with stupid phone calls and play music I didn't like. [Oh, grammar check didn't like that last sentence. Well, you know what, grammar check? Fuck you.] So anyway, a show on CiTR [which is, by the way, UBC's radio station] always sounded appealing to me, because I could play whatever music I felt like. I wouldn't be getting paid so basically I would have control over what I could say, and I wouldn't have to do stupid publicity shit and act all happy all the time. Plus, CiTR has major connections to Vancouver's indie rock scene, something in which I am very interested. I was ridiculously busy this year and also too chickenshit to get involved with CiTR, so I never ended up getting around to it.

Until one night when I went to the Notorious P.I.T. [The Pit Pub, this horrible place on campus] with May's friend Jeff. We got bored after about 45 minutes, so we went for a walk around campus and he talked and I listened. We went to the Museum of Anthropology and the Rose Garden and that cool concrete thing with neato acoustics. Then Jeff wanted to visit Chantille at Benny's, so we were headed that way when we ran into Tynan and Katie patrolling around campus for Safewalk. Katie mentioned CiTR in passing, and I got really excited when I found out she had a show, so she invited me on as a guest. I could bring some CDs, and we'd talk, and it would be really low-key and fun.

We played some Cat Power, Atom and His Package, P:ano, Shonen Knife, the Riff Randells, and some music that Katie likes. I think there was some Neko Case, Buffy St. Marie, Gaze [this band I really didn't like that opened for the Violent Femmes the first time I saw them], Cub, and... I don't know what else. It was exciting, and of course I made a fool of myself when Katie got a phone call and I had to talk and ADD set in and I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I couldn't even remember Russell, the drummer for P:ano's name. I remembered after, of course, and then made an apology and explained myself and everything, but it sucked. I don't know... the show was fun, but Katie and I just didn't... meld. I swore right off the bat (which you're not supposed to do) announced her blood type on the air, and something else stupid I can't remember, and I couldn't tell she wasn't impressed. I think she expected me to be this really hip kid, or something, and she was disappointed. Afterwards I was really depressed about the whole thing, about what an idiot I was and stuff.

Then I got to thinking. Really, I didn't do anything out of character. It's just that Katie was being this radio personality and I was being my usual weird socially inept self. I realized that Katie didn't go out and say any of the things that pissed her off, but I could tell. Instead she took little digs at me on the air. That bothered me. It bothered me how fake she was, and that she wouldn't tell me that she didn't like cassette tapes in the first place after I spent all that time putting a bunch of mp3s on tape that I wanted to play.

I realized that I am nothing like that. It's very difficult for me to be fake and sincere about it at the same time. I'm bad at putting up a front and just talking about shit to fill up space. I hate it and I'm bad at it and I don't want to be good at it. For these reasons I am a nerd, and I will never succeed in social circles. And hence my idea was born. I would host a radio show for and about nerds like myself. I could even broaden it and make it Nerds vs. Rebels because in a sense, these two are polar opposites but also the same thing. Both refuse to socially conform, but one does it in the name of coolness, while the other does it because he/she is either clueless or unable. But I bet a lot of our Rebel friends, such as myself, are actually totally socially inept, but they hide it under a guise of hipness. Being a badass is fun. It's fun to piss people off because you won't do what they want you to, wear what they want you to, go where they want you to. When you're a nerd, people have no respect for you. As a rebel, people have this sort of fear and awe of you, like they're not sure what you might do.