I am depressed. I've been depressed for too goddamn long. Not suicidal or anything. I just feel empty. Lonely. Completely unmotivated about everything. There's nothing to look forward to. Nothing makes me happy. Things that do make me happy are superficial, like looking at $625 D&G shoes at Holt Renfrew. Reading a screenplay by Hanif Kureishi. Dancing to the same music every Thursday and seeing the same people. Eating chocolate tofulati. Watching Buffy or the Simpsons. Trying to figure out whether cute boys I see on the bus are checking me out. They're all solitary, temporarily amusing things that keep my mind off the fact that I'm unhappy.

I tried to write a Christmas list but got depressed when I couldn't think of anything I want. I had to find old lists of books I wanted to read because I couldn't think of anything.

I've stopped shaving my legs, I don't plan on getting a haircut anytime soon, and I only bathe every three days. It feels like every other day I wake up feeling really run down. I don't know if I'm allergic to something or what - it feels like a hangover, or like when I've eaten something loaded with preservatives the day before. But I don't even really eat anything with preservatives anymore. I feel so neurotic.

I can't figure out what it is. It could be a lot of things. Part of it is that I'm sick of being in Vancouver and I feel like my life won't really start again until I'm in Toronto with Jon. I don't want to make any more ties here because I'm gonna be gone soon anyway. So like, for Christmas, what do I want? Things I can take with me to Toronto. But I can't start planning for that yet because it's more than 6 months away. I can't even plan for when I see Jon again, because that's probably 4 months away. So I try and connect with things that aren't in Vancouver, or things that exist in Vancouver and Toronto. So I watch CBC, read the Globe and Mail, read books, listen to CDs, investigate fashion... generally try and build on myself. But I'm very isolated. Tynan is the person I see the most, but we have to stay away from discussing a lot of things because it hurts too much. We have to see each other in very limited doses. And Larissa is simply busy. Adrian said it would happen, and he's right - my brain is elsewhere. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this. It's easy to think of time - like, it's only seven months, which is but a fraction of my life - but experiencing time in real time is fucking hard as hell.

Speaking of hell, I'm reading Dante's Inferno. Holy fuck, religion is fucked up. What kind of shit is this? People living in eternal torment. You have this limited time on earth where, if you're a boy and you decide you want to fuck boys, you spend the rest of infinity being rained upon with fire. In pain. How the hell can God love you if he decides it's okay if that happens to you? Especially the kinds of shit that happened to people for the weirdest things. People who committed suicide were forced to live as trees. So if you're suffering from depression, it's just too goddamn bad. And why is suicide a sin, anyway? And people who were too angry and violent had to spend eternity in a lake of boiling blood. The further down you into hell you go, and the closer you get to the centre, the worse the punishments get. But for some reason Dante thought that having your head turned backwards for all eternity (as a punishment for trying to see into the future) was a worse punishment than being rained upon with fire. And there are Popes down in hell. He describes a Pope who is forced to swim in a river of shit because he abused his power. Okay, fine, but he's the fucking Pope! God is way too much of a hardass. Dante really thought this stuff through, too. I simply don't understand how people can believe this, but I guess in medieval times there was no science, and no one could read except the priests. Most everyone had to spend their entire lives farming for their landlord. So I guess it's more forgivable under those conditions. But Tynan told me that in his Arts One group there was a girl who said the Inferno was a good thing to read so you could learn the lessons it taught. What the fuck! She should go hang out with Jerry Falwell, who I heard recently was forced to apologize to the Islamic church after he said that Mohammed was a terrorist. What a fucked up, crazy world we live in.

Well, at least I feel pissed off instead of depressed now. I'm gonna go read the Inferno. Either that or a communist newspaper.

Oh, one more thing. I saw a really awesome episode of the Simpsons today. They parody this old show from the 60's which I've never seen but now I absolutely have to see called The Prisoner. There are lots of good lines, like Comic Book Guy saying, "There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!"

Flanders: [reading a computer screen] They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it. Well, kids, now aren't you glad that we don't believe in inoculations?
Rod + Todd: [shivering from an apparent fever] Yay.
Todd: Mommy?

There's some scandal involving week-old donuts being disguised as bagels at the Kwik-e-Mart...
Chief Wiggum: As part of our investigation, we have confiscated every donut, cruller, fritter, and bear claw in the city. [sips coffee] And some coffee.