A few of my favorite Steven Wright-isms:

This morning I woke up and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

The other day I was in a bar, and I went up to this beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "Your socks are two different colors." I said, "I know, but to me they're the same, because I go by thickness."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Well, you can't have everything - where would you put it?

Did you sleep good?
No, I made a few mistakes.

The other day I - no wait, that was someone else.

The other day I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" Then I asked him what time it was, and he told me, and I said "No further questions."

I have a map of the USA. It's actual size. It says 1 mile equals 1 mile. When people ask me where I live, I say E5. Last summer I folded it.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a number 3 for 28 bucks.

I went to a museum where they had the head and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I left the museum. I was walking down the street and I saw a man who had wooden legs and real feet. He said, "Do you know what time it is?" I said, "Yes, but not right now."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It was my birthday recently. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them battle it out. Then I put wax in the humidifier and now my room's all shiny.

I can't remember the rest... right now I'm having anmesia and deja vu at the same time.

I went to this place to eat. It said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Compulsively honest, he even recounted some pillow talk with his girlfriend. She asked him, he said, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
"Nope."
"Forget it, then."

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

What's another word for thesaurus?